If I Owned the Yankees...

We've all done it. We've all had that moment.  It's a daydream moment.  Maybe the MegaMillions is in the $200 million range.  You fantasize about what you would do with all that money.  Maybe you would invest it.  Maybe you'd quit your job and move to Tahiti. Maybe you'd buy the Yankees. Ok, $200 million minus taxes isn't enough to buy the Yankees.  At this stage, it'll barely get you season tickets behind the dugout.  But the fantasy is real.  We've all wondered what we would do if we somehow wrestled controlling interest of the Yankees away from the Steinbrenner clan.  I know I have, probably more than is reasonable for a thirty-something with two kids. Since I won't be owning the Yankees anytime soon, the least I can do is make my recommendations for the team.

1. Fire John Sterling

He is loud, he is fake, he is... ruining the way we hear baseball!  The "fire John Sterling" drum has been beating around the Yankee blogosphere lately and with good reason.  Sterling's antics have gotten to the point of absurdity.  Nowhere was this more evident than over the past weekend when the Yankees won three games in a row in walk-off fashion.  Mike Francesa played all three Sterling highlights back to back to recap on Monday, and it was sad how each highlight sounded exactly the same, just with different names. There is no spontaneity to John Sterling.  His calls are calculated to what he believes to be the most dramatic rendering he can give.  Home run calls are usually delivered with some of the worst puns this side of Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In, while his over-excited "thuuuuuuuuu - Yankees win!" sounds more and more forced with each delivery. Sterling has turned game calling into a one man show that doesn't involve baseball.  He's even been guilty of not accurately reporting what's happening on the field.  One time, in the early 1990s when Michael Kay was still in the booth, my father and I were at the Stadium.  My dad sometime used to listen to the game on the radio through headphones.  The batter hit a line drive foul ball into the lower deck about halfway between third and the foul pole.  My dad took off his headphones and leaned to me, saying "Sterling just said 'if it's fair, it's gone."  We both had a laugh. The Yankees deserve better.  For a brief moment, they had it a little better when Charlie Steiner came into the booth to replace Michael Kay.  Sterling would even take an inning or two off and, for a few minutes, you could pretend that you were listening to a ballgame.  Of course, Steiner got wise to the game and ran  away screaming like his hair was on fire.  Which brings us to-

2. Fire Suzyn Waldman

Not only is Waldman guilty by association, but she feeds the monster as well.  I liked Waldman when she was the beat reporter on WFAN.  She was insightful in regards to what was happening in the clubhouse.  Since she's been on YES, she's been a homer of the worst proportions, made all the more confusing by her apparent Red Sox upbringing.  A wolf in sheep's clothing, I fear she may be guilty of selling secrets to Theo Epstein. Oh, and this is reason enough to fire anyone:

3. Man-up the YES Network

It's getting a little frustrating listening to Yankee propaganda from the YES Network.  Michael Kay is a modern day Jekyll and Hyde, barely touching the surface about the Yankees issues during games, but tearing them to shreds on his ESPN radio show.  Kim Jones, while occasionally squeezing in a tough question, typically asks players silly questions like, "How about CC's performance tonight?" I understand the Yankees have built a brand out of the interlocking NY.  I don't expect them to be their own harshest critic.  But take a page from the MLB Network.  When the A-Rod steroid news broke, rather than leave it as a news bulletin in their nightly show, they allowed Bob Costas to do his due diligence, then replayed his Selena Roberts interview through the next two days.  They didn't shy away from the story and attempted to report it accurately.***

*** That doesn't, however, excuse anything that comes out of Harold Reynolds mouth.

4. Knock down the Mohegan Sun bar in center field.

What an atrocity.  In one smooth stroke, the Yankees not only managed to create obstructed view seating, but they ruined Monument Park in the process. The Mohegan Sun bar in center field is completely unnecessary.  The preseason argument was that fans in the bleachers would appreciate having a bar such as this in their midst.  Only problem is, you need certain passes to get into the place.  If you're paying $5 for obstructed view seats, are you paying extra to get into a bar?  Doubtful. Even worse, the bar has also made Monument Park into a dark cave.  Remember in the old new Yankee Stadium how sunny it was in Monument Park?  Sure, it was almost too sunny if you were there on a Saturday afternoon in August, but it was open and inviting.  The new Monument Park, which the Yankees had the ability to create

from scratch

, is buried under the bar, with little light available to it and cinder blocks behind some numbers.  Classy.

5. Stop retiring numbers

It's getting a little too crowded in Monument Park, just another casualty of the self-love that has taken over the team over the last 15 years.  The greats are understandable; nobody is going to argue with Yogi, Mantle, DiMaggio, etc.  But Reggie Jackson?  The man had a 21 year career,

five

of which were played in New York.  Scott Brosius has one more postseason RBi than Reggie.  Are they going to retire his number?  And don't even get me started on Ron Guidry.  I loved Guidry growing up and his 1978 season will go down as one of the greats, but he only won 170 games over his fourteen year career.  He was a good pitcher, at times great, and a lifelong Yankee.  He just wasn't an immortal. The new Monument Park rule is simple: to get in, you have to be inducted to the Hall of Fame and have spent the majority of your career with the Yankees (and by majority, I mean literally 51% or longer).

6. Pretty up the Stadium a bit

As soon as the check cleared, I would bring in Martha Stewart to help get some Fung Shui going in the new park.  First order of business? Knock out some of the advertising.  every free space you look, there's an ad.  The field level scoreboards have been rendered almost worthless in their size by the advertising that takes up the upper half of the wall.  Looking out over center field, all you see is a giant television and a billion ads surrounding it. I understand that baseball stadiums sell advertising.  I have no problem with that.  My problem is that the entire background of center field was

designed

for advertising and nothing else.  If you look real hard, on the concrete between the stands and the ads, you can see retired numbers and the championship years.  You might have to squint, though. Second order of business is getting some of the gray out of the place.  Everywhere you look, there's concrete.  Not beams that might have some character to them, but gray slab.  Everywhere.  There are some white beams, but what are they connected to? 

Gray.

Walking around the perimeter of the field where all of the concession stands share the same drab signage, you feel like you're in an airport terminal.  It's nice that it's all open to the field, but you can't see the field when you're standing on line, so what good is that? The new stadium lacks warmth or any sense of character.  Me and Martha Stewart would fix the problem. And finally-

7. Have a heart to heart with Derek Jeter

Listen, Derek.  You have meant a lot to this team.  You're the captain for a reason and no one wants to take that away from you.  But times change and skills erode.  Defensively, you haven't been too bad last season, but we've all seen how you've slowed down.  It's obvious. You're contract is up after next season and we're going to have to make some decisions.  The Yankees can't afford to have a 36 year old shortstop wheeling his chair slowly up the middle.  There's going to have to be changes. All the greats have moved.  Mantle went to first.  DiMaggio didn't, but he was kind of a stick in the mud.  Yogi went to the outfield.  So can you.  Left field might be ok.  It'll help save your legs which in turn might help your bat.  Think about it. Also, about that $22 million you're making this year...